”Life is a series of natural and
spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality
be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” -Lao Tzu
What I have
learned the most within these past few months is that I cannot control the
universe. Sometimes I wish I could, but I needed to stop worrying so much about
my future and I definitely needed to stop dwelling on my past. I am lucky enough
to be alive and healthy, which is why I needed to stop worrying so much about
myself and start taking care of others and being a better person over all.
It all
started with my family. Ever since I moved to Utah I have been living thousands
of miles away from my parents and siblings doing things all on my own. I
started to appreciate my hometown and my family a lot more when I became homesick.
Last year was a rough year being away from home for that long; I was a new
freshman and was a little clueless about some things. Instead of being a college
student my parents could be proud of, I started to become a burden to them. (My
parents deny that I am ever a burden, but I know when I stress them out.) My
grades started slipping, I would go out and party on the weekends, and my
swimming performance was getting worse and worse throughout the season. That
was when my coaches threatened to take my scholarship away. My parents were
livid. They were so upset and disappointed, and that was when I realized I needed
to get my act together. So last summer instead of staying in Utah I went back
to Indiana to be with my family.
I went home
and worked my tail off. I ended up losing the 30 pounds that I gained and
became a stronger, happier and more optimistic human being. I wanted to do
everything in my power to make sure that I didn't disappoint myself, my family
or my team like that ever again. Failing is not the same as disappointment.
Failing is when you try and you simply don't succeed. Disappointment is when
you attempt something and fail; but in the back of your mind you know you
didn't try hard enough or put the work in. Which is why you feel that guilt
deep inside your gut. That is something I don't ever want to feel ever again.
Even if I don't qualify for NCAAs, I want to climb out of that pool at PAC12s
knowing that I did everything right and I tried my hardest.
The whole
reason I wanted to come home though this past summer was because I needed to be
there for my little brother and I needed to be a good example for him. My mom
wanted me to come home and help out the family while we all suffered through
this hard time. It was a very humbling experience and it made me realize that I
shouldn’t take the little things for granted.
Last year my twelve year old
brother, Carson, was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis; a serious chronic
inflammatory disease of the large intestine (colon) and rectum characterized by
recurrent episodes of abdominal pain, fever and chills, fatigue, hemoglobin
deficiency, profuse diarrhea and bleeding. My brother was going through a
flare; which means his symptoms become more severe and are more likely to
continue for the rest of his life. He was put on many different medications and
steroids that ended up changing his mood, his eating habits, his body and his overall
spirit. He became very depressed and missed a lot of school. He had to quit
swimming and football because his hemoglobin was dangerously low. He constantly
had to get blood work done to ensure he wouldn’t develop leukemia or liver disease.
However, my mom and dad didn’t know
what was best for him. The medications he was taking were killing him but if he
wasn’t on them, he was bleeding constantly and was in serious pain. It was
heartbreaking seeing my baby brother in these conditions and it made me feel
ashamed for how I was acting and treating my family that past year. I could
have made my parents life a lot easier by trying hard in swimming, making good
decisions, getting good grades and doing things the right way all the time, so
that way they could focus all their attention on Carson.
Once the end of the summer rolled around my
parents agreed to let the surgeons remove Carson’s colon. I left Indiana in
early August, but before I went back to Utah, I got to stay in Cincinnati for a
few days with my family while Carson was in Cincinnati Children’s Hospital. The
first day I walked into that hospital I was overwhelmed with emotions, I have
never seen so many kids in my entire life, and some still managed to have smiles
on their faces even when they were attached to several tubes and machines. It
was such a humbling experience being able to see all these families whose problems
were way worse than my own. It made me realize that I need to quit being so
selfish and be a better person, be a better role model for my brothers. Once, I
walked into Carson’s room, I found him on his bed crying and wailing in pain.
That sight was like a bullet to the chest.
While the nurses and doctors were all around him trying to help I
stepped outside into the hallway where I collapsed on the floor. I couldn’t bear
to see my brother in so much pain. He could barely move. Looking at his pale
grey face was saddening. I wanted to hug him and make him feel better. I wanted
to take his pain away. You never know what it feels like to see someone you
love so much, in so much pain. He is only a little kid…and I was his big
sister, and there I was feeling helpless and upset feeling like I should so
something to help him, yet there was nothing I could do.
He is still suffering from this disease and I
admire his bravery to keep fighting it. I couldn’t be more proud of his
optimism and his courage and pray he goes into remission soon.
Stay strong Carson. I love you.
Syd xoxo
