What Writing Means To Me

           In my 20 years of living, I have barely had grandfathers in my life.  My dad’s father, Grandpa Bull, passed away from lung cancer before I was born, so I never got the chance to meet him.  My mom’s father, Papa Didier, was robbed and shot when I was very young and left a scar in many of our hearts.  Even though I have grown up without grandpas, my grandmothers have been a significant part of my life.  After all they have been through they continue to be the strongest and bravest women I have ever met. They mean the absolute world to me and have made an immense impact on my life.  They push me and support me in everything I do. However, when I was young I only appreciated my grandmothers because they bought me really cool things and would scratch my back on the couch while I watched Fox And The Hound on repeat.  Now that I have grown older I have matured and started to appreciate just having them in my life.  They tell the best stories, have great sense of humors and give awesome advice about everything in life.  Their hearts are filled with nothing but genuine love and compassion. 

            On February 24^th, 2000, my Papa Didier passed away in a tragic shooting.  I was a little girl and I remember going into the dining room where I found my mom sobbing in my neighbor’s arms.  She must of come over to comfort my mom while my dad rushed home from work, they all got the news that my Papa was shot in the chest at his meat shop.  Due to the fact that I was so young, everyone refused to tell me what was going on besides the fact that Papa was sent to the emergency room.  My parents went to the hospital later that night to be with him and left me at home with the babysitter.  A few years later my parents explained everything to me.  My Papa passed away in the hospital leaving his family and the city of Fort Wayne in anguish.  Everyone loved Papa, he was a great man and his passing was a devastating tragedy.  The boy who shot my Papa was a minor, which led to a chaotic and stressful trial.  Even though the way he died was horrible, all the memories of my Papa were nothing but great; he was a very hardworking man and loved his life.  He was a man of strong faith and always lived his life for God and taught me how to trust God’s Plan.  He loved all of his grandchildren so much and it breaks my heart because he hasn’t even met everyone in my amazing family but I know he is proudly smiling down on all of us from heaven giving us the strength and courage to live our lives to the fullest. 

            My family is very important to me and they are what shape me into the kind of person I am today.  Even though my grandfathers were not in my life for very long, their legacies will live on forever and have a great significance on my quality of life.  They are the reasons why I love to write because I feel like I am expressing my thoughts and emotions not only to my audiences but also to my Papa and Grandpa in heaven.  Writing has always comes very natural to me, I love to write about myself.  Not necessarily in an autobiography type way but in a way where I can express my own personal thoughts and opinions about everything in life.  My writing is an art; it may not sound like William Shakespeare but it causes me to think beyond what is right in front of me.  I mainly started writing because I want a beautiful record or portfolio of my life to later share with my kids and grand-kids someday.  I want to tell them stories just like how my grandmothers share their stories with me.  My Nana is a very strong woman; she is a person I can always count on.  Her loving and caring heart inspires me to be a nice person to everyone at all times.  My other grandma is wisest woman I have ever met; she is the best person to go to for advice.  I could sit and listen to her talk for hours.  She is my main inspiration in my life and my writing because she makes me think about life and society in many different aspects.  I have been through so much in the past 20 years and I want to share my appreciation and knowledge through my writing.  I could not be more thankful to have my family always supporting me and being there for me whether they are living thousands of miles away from me or are looking down on my from heaven.  I just want to do what I love and make my loved ones proud.  I think I am doing a decent job so far. 

Puppies or Kittens

If you were to ask me this question a few years ago I probably would have had a completely different answer compared to what I'm about to tell you.

But I love both puppies and kittens, like seriously both of these animals are too cute. 

I have been an animal lover since the day I stepped foot on my great Uncle Walt's ranch in Iowa.  He owned a bunch of farm animals and most importantly horses. I have loved horses since that day when I got to sit on the saddle with him and canter around the paddock as a 2 year old. He told my dad that he was shocked that I wasn't scared. I'm surprised that I wasn't but at the same time I'm not surprised, I have always been naturally very good with horses. Horses are amazing creatures,  I loved the way their hoofs sounded as the clipped the ground; and that's how I came up with the name gallopaddies  (gall-up-uh-deez). I was a strange child. I didn't call them horses I called them gallopaddies. I used to take all of the millions of toy horses that I owned and create my own imaginary horse ranch and stomp their legs all over my basement floor. They were my favorite animal and still are to this day.

My whole life my parents have had to deal with me being over obsessive about animals. Every time my parents and I would go on walks around the neighborhood I would always run and stop the couple ahead of us and ask if I could pet their dog. Yep, I was that kid. Thank goodness we moved to a different neighborhood when I was about 6 years old and all of our new neighbors had dogs. I was in heaven. That's when I knew I was a puppy and doggy girl, but need I remind you I was a very experienced and avid horseback rider by the time I was 6 years old. Usually that's the age instructors allow kids to start lessons, but I met Happy, a white Quarter horse when I was 4 and the owner offered to give me lessons and that's when I fell in love. I became such a responsible and smart girl at such a young age learning how to feed, groom, and muck the horses stalls.

Writing about animals and horse makes me miss Peaches, Apache and Manchie a lot, these horses were my babies. The day I met Peaches was probably the best day of my life. She was officially mine, and I seriously loved her more than anything in the world. Peaches knew I was special and different, and I knew she was different too. She could recognize my voice out of all the people that would walk through that barn. Nobody could train her or ride her like I could because she was too stubborn, but I was so gentle and patient with her that my instructor couldn't help but make Peaches mine. I had Peaches in my life for about 8 years, until she passed away this past summer. I was devastated but I didn't own her anymore I only owned peaches for 4 like years while I was young and once I moved to high school I had to give her to a new family who had a young girl who was just like me, passionate and loving. 

When we finally moved out of that cramped neighborhood and into the beautiful open land of Huntertown, Indiana I got to experience even more encounters with two different amazing horses. Manchie and Apache. Apache belonged to the girl down the road and Manchie was the paint horse at 8 Jumps, where Peaches was being boarded. I got to spend time with all of these horses and felt lucky to be living in Huntertown.

Because we lived on great property my parents thought it'd be appropriate to buy Baxter. A landseer Newfoundland. He was the cutest puppy ever! And was my first puppy ever! This dog pretty much changed my life. We had plenty of animals around the house. After we brought our adorable puppy home, two precious kittens followed. Before we got Sophie and Timmy I never really cared for cats. But after bottle feeding them and training them to be barn kitties we really bonded and they started to mimic Baxter's mannerisms and acted a lot like dogs. That was okay with me because I definitely still prefer puppies over kittens. However being the broke and busy college student that I am, I can only manage to have a cat. And he in fact is absolutely adorable and I love him so much.

This past summer I got a new puppy after Baxter passed away. My parents and I were both scared that our new puppy wasn't going to be a as great as our old dog. Houston our current 130 pound 8 month old Saint Bernard puppy had big shoes to fill. However he is quickly growing and about to pass Baxter's height and weight. And we realized that he and Baxter are both special dogs and we love them both the same. But Baxter will always have a special place in my heart. He was my first dog and my first best friend and I woke up every morning to take him on property walks in the snow. When Baxter died I was absolutely devastated, my parents thought he was going to die before I came home for Christmas break but when I got home it was like the cancer didn't even exist. He cuddled with me and played outside with me like he did when he was a puppy. Saying goodbye to Baxter last winter was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Baxter had the same birthday as my papa, and looked just like his Saint Bernard Lucy. There had to be a coincidence, because he acted like my guardian angel. This is going to sound cheesy but at least I know both my guardian angels are in heaven playing together and taking care of me.

This past summer when I came home to the baby Saint Bernard,  Houston I cried out of tears of joy and I got the pleasure of sleeping with him at night and practically raising him . I was so sad when I had to leave home again right after getting Houston. So when I got to Salt Lake City, I grew a pair and went out and bought a kitten for $20. I named him Frank. I was scared that I wasn't going to be able to love him as much as my other pets and animals but I was wrong. Raising Frank has been a blast and almost losing him made me realize how much I do love him.

So this puppies or kittens question is sort of tough because I would be absolutely content with both. :) 

It's not always about you....

”Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”  -Lao Tzu

What I have learned the most within these past few months is that I cannot control the universe. Sometimes I wish I could, but I needed to stop worrying so much about my future and I definitely needed to stop dwelling on my past. I am lucky enough to be alive and healthy, which is why I needed to stop worrying so much about myself and start taking care of others and being a better person over all.  

It all started with my family. Ever since I moved to Utah I have been living thousands of miles away from my parents and siblings doing things all on my own. I started to appreciate my hometown and my family a lot more when I became homesick. Last year was a rough year being away from home for that long; I was a new freshman and was a little clueless about some things. Instead of being a college student my parents could be proud of, I started to become a burden to them. (My parents deny that I am ever a burden, but I know when I stress them out.) My grades started slipping, I would go out and party on the weekends, and my swimming performance was getting worse and worse throughout the season. That was when my coaches threatened to take my scholarship away. My parents were livid. They were so upset and disappointed, and that was when I realized I needed to get my act together. So last summer instead of staying in Utah I went back to Indiana to be with my family.

I went home and worked my tail off. I ended up losing the 30 pounds that I gained and became a stronger, happier and more optimistic human being. I wanted to do everything in my power to make sure that I didn't disappoint myself, my family or my team like that ever again. Failing is not the same as disappointment. Failing is when you try and you simply don't succeed. Disappointment is when you attempt something and fail; but in the back of your mind you know you didn't try hard enough or put the work in. Which is why you feel that guilt deep inside your gut. That is something I don't ever want to feel ever again. Even if I don't qualify for NCAAs, I want to climb out of that pool at PAC12s knowing that I did everything right and I tried my hardest.  

The whole reason I wanted to come home though this past summer was because I needed to be there for my little brother and I needed to be a good example for him. My mom wanted me to come home and help out the family while we all suffered through this hard time. It was a very humbling experience and it made me realize that I shouldn’t take the little things for granted.

Last year my twelve year old brother, Carson, was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis; a serious chronic inflammatory disease of the large intestine (colon) and rectum characterized by recurrent episodes of abdominal pain, fever and chills, fatigue, hemoglobin deficiency, profuse diarrhea and bleeding. My brother was going through a flare; which means his symptoms become more severe and are more likely to continue for the rest of his life. He was put on many different medications and steroids that ended up changing his mood, his eating habits, his body and his overall spirit. He became very depressed and missed a lot of school. He had to quit swimming and football because his hemoglobin was dangerously low. He constantly had to get blood work done to ensure he wouldn’t develop leukemia or liver disease.

However, my mom and dad didn’t know what was best for him. The medications he was taking were killing him but if he wasn’t on them, he was bleeding constantly and was in serious pain. It was heartbreaking seeing my baby brother in these conditions and it made me feel ashamed for how I was acting and treating my family that past year. I could have made my parents life a lot easier by trying hard in swimming, making good decisions, getting good grades and doing things the right way all the time, so that way they could focus all their attention on Carson.

 Once the end of the summer rolled around my parents agreed to let the surgeons remove Carson’s colon. I left Indiana in early August, but before I went back to Utah, I got to stay in Cincinnati for a few days with my family while Carson was in Cincinnati Children’s Hospital. The first day I walked into that hospital I was overwhelmed with emotions, I have never seen so many kids in my entire life, and some still managed to have smiles on their faces even when they were attached to several tubes and machines. It was such a humbling experience being able to see all these families whose problems were way worse than my own. It made me realize that I need to quit being so selfish and be a better person, be a better role model for my brothers. Once, I walked into Carson’s room, I found him on his bed crying and wailing in pain. That sight was like a bullet to the chest.  While the nurses and doctors were all around him trying to help I stepped outside into the hallway where I collapsed on the floor. I couldn’t bear to see my brother in so much pain. He could barely move. Looking at his pale grey face was saddening. I wanted to hug him and make him feel better. I wanted to take his pain away. You never know what it feels like to see someone you love so much, in so much pain. He is only a little kid…and I was his big sister, and there I was feeling helpless and upset feeling like I should so something to help him, yet there was nothing I could do.

 He is still suffering from this disease and I admire his bravery to keep fighting it. I couldn’t be more proud of his optimism and his courage and pray he goes into remission soon. 

Stay strong Carson. I love you.

Syd xoxo 

The Silly Things

I want to inspire people. I want people to look at me and say, "because of you I didn't give up." 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to do great things. Nobody should feel stupid for having a dream.

Lets get real here...The NCAA Championship Swim Meet is literally the fastest swimming competition in collegiate athletics. Lets just say you have to be freaky fast in order to even step foot on that pool deck, the qualifying times are faster than olympic trial times....yeah crazy!!! 

It can happen. If I put my mind to it, I can make NCAAs this spring. I don't care what other people tell me. I am making goals for myself and I will do it! I have learned so much this past year that I feel like there is no where else to go but up. The momentum God has given me is unreal and all I need is the right attitude and the strength to get there.  

All my life, people have doubted me. When I was a freshman in high school I remember telling an old friend of mine that I wanted to get a swimming scholarship at a D1 school. She looked at me like I was crazy and told me I couldn't do it. Now, I am having the time of my life at the greatest school in the country, doing the sport that I absolutely love. Because I believed in myself. 

Now is the time to shine.  Now is the time to prove to myself that I can do anything. 

Last year was a very difficult year for me, I struggled with high anxiety, depression and extreme weight gain. Not to mention my family and I were struggling with my brother's illness, so on top of all of that I didn't want to burden my family with my problems. I didn't understand why God was pushing my family and I so hard. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. All the pressure took a toll on me. As an athlete I was not healthy; mentally, physically or emotionally. I would toss and turn every night worrying about morning practice the next day. I would panic behind the blocks and psych myself out before I even gave myself a chance. I lost myself. I got so scared because I didn't know who I even was anymore. I wanted to quit. I wanted to move back home. I wanted to give up on everything I worked so hard for. I was literally so close to giving up and quitting on the thing that I loved the most. Swimming.

 Right at that moment when I was about to quit, was when God sent down His comforting reassurance and made me realize that everything was going to be okay.  The Lord is the only one who knows your future.  He knows how to test you and bend you, but He will never break you. God was testing me that's for sure, and it made me stronger. It gave me the motivation I needed to get back on track and rebuild. 

So this summer I went home and worked my tail off. I ended up losing the 30 pounds that I gained and became a stronger, happier and more optimistic human being. I wanted to do everything in my power to make sure that I didn't disappoint myself or my team like that ever again. Failing is not the same as disappointment. Failing is when you try and you simply don't succeed. Disappointment is when you attempt something and fail; but in the back of your mind you know you didn't try hard enough or put the work in. Which is why you feel that guilt deep inside you.

That is something I don't ever want to feel ever again. Even if I don't qualify for NCAAs, I want to climb out of that pool at PAC12s knowing that I did everything right and I tried my hardest. 

Bedtime Prayers :)

Courage

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.  

Phil 4:12-13

"Lord, keep my gazed fixed on you.  Hold me in your arms and guide me always in the way I should go. "

Forgive me for worrying Lord, I put my trust in you. 

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.  

2 Timothy 1:7

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  

Psalm 46:1

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. 

John 14:27

The Lord is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?...Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then I will be confident.  

Psalm 27:1-3

What you decide on will be done, and light will shine on your ways. 

Job 22:28

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. 

Proverbs 3:5-6

CAST ALL YOUR ANXIETY ON HIM BECAUSE HE CARES FOR YOU 

1 Peter 5:7 

Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever.  

Psalm 125:1

The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. 

Psalm 9:9 

THE WORDS OF SAINT PADRE PIO

Pray, hope and don't worry. 

Worry is useless. 

God is merciful and will hear your prayer. 

Prayer is the best weapon we have and is the key to God's heart.

You must speak to Jesus not only with your lips but with your heart. 

In fact on certain occasions you should speak to Him only with your heart. 

Do not tire yourself over things that cause anxiety, preoccupation and worry. 

Only one thing is necessary...TO LIFT UP YOUR SPIRIT AND LOVE GOD. 

If you are experiencing some weakness, God is not abandoning you but giving you the opportunity to grow in humility and gratitude.